Goodbye
by arctic draconis
Summary: A Serena deathfic. How would they feel for treating her so badly after she's dead?


' I don't love you anymore. I don't want my whole future dictated by my past. Just leave me alone.' Darien's words cut deep causing Serena to flinch. He didn't even bother to acknowledge the pain his words caused but kept walking past her, as she stood rooted to the spot. She couldn't even watch him go, it would make it all so real. She, Serena had somehow lost the love of her soul mate from a thousand years ago. She laughed mirthlessly through her tears. She'd bungled something once again, something so perfect as to be supposedly indestructible. Well she proved that wrong, she'd done something to destroy a love that was supposed to last for forever. All Darien's earlier taunts from when they didn't know one another rose to circle her mind. Klutz, Hurt anybody else yet today, Meatball head, on and on. Thinking about it now she wondered if Darien had ever really loved her in this life or just thought he'd found Princess Serenity in Serena. After all Serenity was everything Serena wasn't, smart, sophisticated, elegant, beautiful, charming and sweet. She jumped as she felt someone jostle her and looked up. The street was full of people making her realise she'd been standing there for a long time. She looked at her watch and sighed when she realised that no one would be home for hours. She looked around once again hoping for the sight of a familiar mop of black hair, noticing none she turned and pushed her way through the sea of humanity, needing to be home.  
  
Serena looked at herself in the mirror and wondered why she bothered. Darien hadn't spoken to her for a month except to yell at her for being clumsy. He ignored her most other times, sometimes going so far as to walk out of someplace if she was there. The constant ache of her heart hurt and she didn't know how much longer she'd last. The pain from her heart and the pain in her head combined to make her miserable. It was such an effort to appear cheerful and carefree when you felt like you'd explode from holding so much pain.  
Her friends didn't realise that it was the pain making it impossible to concentrate on a task, didn't realise she fell over so many things because her eyes were hazed with pain, didn't realise how close to breaking point she was. No they just thought it was Serena being extra clutzy and that if she'd try harder she'd overcome her klutziness and lack of concentration. They yelled at her for falling over in the middle of a battle because she couldn't see the ground for exhaustion, yelled at her for being late when the pain forced her to her knees and yelled at her for crying because the hurt was too great to hold inside. They thought she was weak and a coward, they didn't know how brave she was being for them, for Darien for her family and for herself. They didn't know anything.  
  
Once again Serena stared at herself in the mirror and knew this time the pain was too great, too consuming to make her want to live. She'd tried for so long to make herself better, she'd even thought for a while she'd succeed, after all when you have someone you love so much -and you think they feel the same way- you feel you can achieve anything. Yet Darien turned away, taking his love with him to whomever he thought was worthy of his affection, removing the crutch his love had given her in the battle to get better and added weights to her heart. Life wasn't worth the pain she experienced day after day. At the moment she had nothing to make life meaningful. Life was just endless days filled with pain. She picked the razor from the bench, mesmerised with the end of pain it represented. She sat down on a pile of towels on the floor and placed the bundle of letters she'd been carrying next to her. She'd written everything in there, all her feelings, all her regrets and her apologies to all the people who mattered most to her. With quick decision she slashed the razor across her left wrist and watched the blood flow, quickly changing the hand holding the razor and slashing the right wrist as well. The blood flowed soaking the towels she sat on, making her light headed, making the pain seem like a distant thing. She sat and waited for whatever was to come, revelling in the release from pain. Life wasn't worth the pain.  
  
* *  
*  
  
Four figures stood huddled together, weeping, as they watch their friend's mother sprinkle her ash in the garden where she'd spent so much time when she was alive, the gathering of people but a small group of her closest friends to wish her a final farewell. As they turned to leave Serena's mother hurried over to the trying futilely to wipe the tears from her eyes. "Girls, please wait." She stopped before them and handed over a envelope. "She left it for you and I've been meaning to give it to you but with everything I just haven't found the time to do so. Also you wouldn't happen to know some one by the name of Darien would you." At their nods she handed over another envelope. "Could you please give it to him? I'm sure he'd want it if he was as much a friend to Serena as you girls were. I hope they bring you all some closure." With that Molly appeared by her side, both of them bursting into tears once again.  
The girls left them, not wishing to intrude on their display of grief, and also wanting to read the letter Serena had left them. Upon reaching their car they found Darien staring at the people still left in the park with bleak eyes. They approached him cautiously; ever since Serena killed herself he'd become more withdrawn and almost fragile. He looked right through them when the stopped in front of him, almost as if they weren't there. Amy held out the letter to him and waited for his eyes to focus on it before saying "She left it for you." He stared at it a while longer before slowly reaching for it as if it was a dram that was going to disappear when he touched it. He closed his hand shakily on it, nodding at the girls before swiftly moving away and disappearing among the people on the sidewalk. The girls looked at each other before quickly jumping in the car, in a hurry to get to the temple to read the letter.  
  
The girls sat in a circle, the letter at the centre on the floor. Slowly Rei reached for it and pulled out the envelope's contents. Clearing her throat she began to read aloud: Dear Amy, Lita, Rei and Mina,  
I'm sorry that my taking the easy out will hurt you but I couldn't  
live with the pain anymore. For four long years I've suffered from a  
malignant tumour in my brain. The Doctors believed it too risky to  
operate on and I've been receiving trial medication to see if the  
tumour could at least be reduced in size. I always though I should put  
on a cheery face and believe the best of the world as long as I'm  
alive, and having you all for friends seemed to be justification  
enough that I was doing the right thing. I never told you about it  
because I didn't want you to remain my friends out of pity or to  
constantly worry that me doing something would make me die. I loved  
being with you even when we fought; it was just some new aspect of  
life that I got to experience. I want you to know that I loved having  
you as friends and that everything we did together is a treasured  
memory of mine (even fighting the negaverse). I hope you can come to  
think of my death as a happy thing because for me it was. It was a  
release from the pain I'd lived with for so long that changed me from  
an elegant child into a klutzy teenager. I know I'm stuffing up the  
future here- and apologise to Pluto when you meet her for me-but  
everything became too much for me. Your caring friendship gave me the  
will to live so long and when I had Darien's love I thought that maybe  
just maybe I'd get better, but the loss of his love took away that  
will and left me with duty. Though duty is something that I thought  
would sustain me it was never enough. I've dreamed of my release from  
pain for so long, don't make what I've done into something its not.  
Believe that everything's all right now and maybe I'll see you in the  
future.  
  
Love Serena  
  
The girls looked at one another, tears streaming freely down their faces, and once again wished for the cheery spirit of their friend.  
  
Across town Darien stood in the garden where just a few short hours ago Serena's ashes had been released. He looked at the letter he held and finally managed to pry his fingers from it long enough to open it.  
  
Dear Darien,  
I want to say now that I love you and always will, though I know that you don't want me to. I know you believe that I killed myself because you didn't love me anymore, well I'm sorry but even you don't have that much influence over my life. I've suffered form a malignant tumour in my brain since I was twelve and have weathered the pain it brought me for four years. When you loved me I thought that maybe I'd get better that I'd be healthy again, your love gave me a crutch to lean on in the battle for my life. When you said you didn't love me it hurt and made me feel stupid that I could ever believe myself worthy of your love. Most of all though it took the crutch away and made me realise how futile the battle for my life was. The pain became too much for me in the end and I'm sorry if my death causes you pain. I just want to repeat, my death wasn't anything to do with you. I love you, my once soul mate and hope to see you at some future time. Live a happy life Darien with someone who deserves your love.  
  
Love Serena  
  
Darien stared at the letter in his hands letting all his pent up grief release in the form of silent tears. The anguish in his heart not eased at all by her letter if anything it was increased. "I'm sorry Serena I do love you. You were the only thing that made my life worth living. I'll live my life for you and maybe someday we will meet again and by then I'll be worthy of you." With that heartfelt statement Darien collapsed, sobbing to the ground, wishing his angel hadn't left him. 


End file.
